Recently released. Underscores the diversity Newt values. Also, shows promise that we can come together for the great renewal of America.
The following journal entries describe what I was experiencing just prior to my six month sabbatical which began in March of 2010. The dark night of the soul was a difficult place for me. God allowed me to be sifted. At the time, I did not fully understand what I was going through. That understanding came months later:
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1/20/2010How I desire to see you stretch forth your arm and your holy hand. We need to be touched by your love.
Some of what I have been experiencing, I don’t want to forget because I want to be able to identify with other pastors who are (or have) experiencing a similar burn-out or depression. I know that I am not the only one experiencing this.
Some effects:
“As one who knows righteousness, who has Your law in my heart, may I not fear the reproach of men or be terrified by their revilings.” (Isaiah 51:7)
In the future (near or far) as more and more people deny you and my Savior, Father manifest in me the grace and love I need to lead many to you. May my most fruitful days be yet ahead. I will not look behind except at your command, to see what great things you have accomplished by your hand for your glory. I don’t want to get stuck in my “stuff.” I want to be free from it, standing solidly in the forgiveness and grace purchased for me by Jesus. Let me enter fully into my sonship. May I bring a sense of the family to everyone I meet. May I always cheer the best in them. And may I always call them higher (this thought inspired by a short-short film: The Butterfly Circus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anR_7zM0Pkc).
I want to be like the circus owner who saw the best in people and drew it to the surface. Lord, please let me have your eyes with people. May I always affirm their BEST. May I always point them to you in themselves. Thank you Father.
Lord help me this morning to share what will build up all who hear.
Amazing how down I’ve been the last two days. That heavy, oppressive weight that comes upon me. I get so physically and emotionally tired that I feel totally immobile.
Just when I think I’m ready for anything the Lord wants to use me in, I feel that he’s finished using me. I told Marcy today that I sometimes feel like I have imagined that God has some great purpose for my life. And perhaps what the Father is showing me is that such a notion is full of pride. And has been the source of much ineffectiveness in ministry. Marcy believes that God is refining us and that He does have an important assignment for me to carry out. I don’t know. I’m too tired and disappointed, discouraged and troubled by my lack of interest in ministry. I feel like pulling my plane into the hangar. I’ve thought much about retirement, but know that I can’t afford it, nor would I truly be happy unless the Lord commanded it.
I’m extremely disappointed that all the years of writing my book seem to have been a waste. Perhaps several hundred copies have sold. But I have received only two or three emails or messages that the book has had a positive impact. Others have been silent. I cannot think of investing another couple of years for the same result. All my dreams have failed. Now I need a Savior again. To save me from my disappointment and discouragement.
I can’t think anymore about this. It’s too overwhelming.
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David, crucified people don’t struggle. They don’t strive to figure things out. They’re DEAD! They live only for revelation. They are at peace. They rest in me. They wait for my word and then walk in it. You must surrender. Cease your striving. Wait in my presence. Be still and KNOW that I am the Lord. Go off by yourself and be quiet. Be still. Stop thinking about yourself and your future. Enjoy me. Be with me. Enjoy the quiet and enter my rest.
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Thank you Father.
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The sabbatical given to me by my church-family, gave me the time I needed to rest, reflect, and be refreshed. My wife, Marcy, and I had extended time to go to the mountains and the shore, visit friends and family, and spend unhurried time with the Lord. We came back from our sabbatical renewed and ready to serve from a more solid center–anchored in the love of the Father. He was refining, by allowing the enemy to sift me. I now understand that anyone who wants to know the deep love of God must pass through the valley of the shadow of death. This is the valley the produces trust, endurance, and perseverance.
An Excerpt from my Spiritual Journals: The following was a time of intercessory prayer for the United States and my fellow citizens:
Feels like we’re on the brink of breakthrough. As though revival were about to begin. I sense the Lord moving. Also, in our nation it feels like some huge thing impending–war in the middle east? Revolution? The Return of the Lord? An amazing move of God in our nation?
I know that personally, I’m drawing nearer to the Lord. I’m sensing the need for His total leadership in my life. He has me focused on Him and the ministry of Jesus. I can’t imagine our nation turning around unless God’s mercy moves powerfully through our land. We’re a lost nation unless God restores us to His original intent for the United States. We were meant to be a blessing to the nations. A light of liberty for all people. That they might see what God could do with a nation committed to the freedom that he has created for all people, regardless of origins.
Only God’s grace and sovereign power can remove our sin and the judgment that stands against us for abandoning Him. Yet “Mercy triumphs over judgment.” He will have mercy in answer to our intercession. We, God’s intercessors, have the greatest responsibility for our nation. And as a result, the greatest power, authority, and ability to turn this huge ship around in order to sail toward our true port. What an honor.
Father, please remove the sin. Please remove the stain of unbridled pride and self-centeredness. Father forgive our waywardness. Forgive our rebellion. Cleanse our sinful hands. Hands that have been responsible for the murder of millions. Forgive our blind arrogance. Let the peoples see your power, your mercy, your generosity. Open the eyes of the blind. Set the captives free. Turn this great nation away from the course it is currently set on. Forgive. Restore. Remake. Lord, you forgave the Ninevites. Surely, you could send a prophet to this nation that has been a launching-point for the Gospel to the nations of the world. Surely your mercy is not too small a thing to wipe out our judgment. You can triumph and make a name for yourself. Our citizens could yet see your love in action, and turn from their wickedness. You could begin a people-movement unlike anything the world has yet to witness.
Raise up a prophet or prophets. Give them the same word. Make an openness in the heart of our nation for their message. Please bring your greatness to bear on our shame and defeat. Remember your word through Paul–our enemy is NOT people, but the powers behind.
Speak a word through your prophets that will devastate your enemies. Work through the church to crush the head of the serpent. Father, help us to recognize that you do whatever your heart dictates. May your heart be moved to make the Untied States a righteous nation. A nation that gives instead of takes. A nation United in You.
Lord, empower our ministry to bring all things in heaven and earth under One Head–Jesus Christ. Show the world the stark difference between Islam and Christianity–between evil and good, Satan and God. Open eyes. Change hearts. Pour out your Spirit. Let young men and women see visions. Let old men dream dreams.
Remove the sin of political correctness which was substituted for spiritual correctness. Remove the leaders, teachers, and influencers, who have taken our nation in its current direction. Raise up a new media. Remove those who have tried to shape our nation in their own image rather than in yours.
‘Father, this is my official intercession before you and your Sodth (the heavenly Council) for my nation. And for the sake of your great name. Make the sacrifice of my Savior and Lord Jesus and his resurrection effectual for my fellow Americans and the nations who will turn to Him and love Him.
Father, bless our leaders who love and follow you. Depose and dismiss those who don’t or won’t. Please remove tyrants and godless men and women from heads of government all around the world. Father defeat the strongholds of the principalities and powers over this present darkness. Bring in the Kingdom of Light. Release us by the blood of Jesus into the ineffable freedom of the sons of God. Thank you for giving us our lives in Christ. We will stand with you to reign with Christ until ALL his enemies are under his feet. Defeat the demonic hordes once and for all. Bring the world to your throne of mercy and love. Destroy evil–wherever you find it. Save your people from this present darkness.
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Lord, would you also stir up the gifts in me. Show me how to focus and use them. Give me a revelation of your choosing so that my final years will be my best. Let me finish stronger than I started. Grant me a fruitful word. Grant me an influence beyond my understanding. Empower the bread I cast upon the waters. Focus my pen. Focus my heart. Keep me doing “this One Thing.” Ordain effectiveness for me. Show me how to serve with Marcy to the best of our capacity and potential. I trust YOU to do it. I am aware of my many limitations and my aging. But I know that even into old age, you can make our leaf green and our fruit will ripen and nourish those who pick it. Thank you for choosing us. Thank you for sending us. Thank you for fruitfulness. Keep us fruitful until we breathe our last, then even after that, should Jesus tarry, use our music, writings, and memory to bring people into relationship with you, or to deepen their walk with You. May we see our many spiritual children and grandchildren in the Kingdom. Father, as we desire to honor you, please honor us in the presence of many witnesses to the glory of Christ. Amen.
2/13/2012Probably just spent the most profound week of my recent walk with the Lord. I have been in his presence continually in a way that I have been conscious of his nearness. I think of his promise: “Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you.” (James 4 somewhere).
Don’t want anything to disturb this “abiding.” This is what I was made for and why I was called to be a son. Profound peace, shalom, fatness of soul, great joy, sweet communion, these are some ways I would try to describe my experience. I also sense that something like a switch has been activated that brings me to a new level of intimacy with Him.
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I have recorded much more in my two diaries–”Ideas” and “Thoughts.” While I was with the Lord, it wasn’t convenient to use my laptop, so I wrote in the diaries to later transcribe them here to my spiritual journal.
To summarize, I would simply say that God placed a divine discontent within me for anything less than His manifest presence. I wanted to GO be with Him–apart from any distractions–for an extended period of time. So I carved out a week on my calendar, made the appointment to stay at the monastery, then packed and went. From the time I made the decision to get apart with the Lord, I have sensed his nearness, his pleasure, and his continuous drawing. I believe from what I read that He longed to be with me and placed the desire for more of Him in my heart. My part was to cooperate with the desire.
Of course, once I actually arrived at the monastery and settled in, He embraced my heart and I’m experiencing something of the mountain-top type of experiences I used to have when I went on spiritual retreat alone to VT or Grantham or with Pete to Pilgrim Pines.
The difference is that I have always returned to the valley following mountain-top experiences with God. This time, I’m still on the mountain-top. I want to trust him that I can abide here and function in my everyday life. This may be some of what Brother Lawrence wrote of in his Practicing the Presence of God. Even in our work, we can be recollected to our Father’s loving presence.
Great peace have they who abide in your love, Lord. Thank you that you “Delight” in us.
The Broke and the Bookish has posited a difficult top ten list for this Tuesday–The Top Ten Books I’d Hand to Someone Who Says He/She Doesn’t Like to Read. Being a bookish nerd who surrounds herself with, you guessed it, other equally bookish nerds, I don’t often run across folks who don’t like to read. I do, however, happen to be married to one. Here’s his normal reaction to a shelf full of books. Unless it’s filled with technical manuals, beekeeping regulations, or outdoorsy stuff, he flat out ain’t …
I’m shifting gears. I just returned from a week at the Carmelite Monastery in our city. I spent the week there responding to an invitation to solitude, silence, and prayer. That invitation came by way of a deep inner desire to be alone with God and a divine discontent in my soul that had been growing more intense over the previous several weeks. I was actually thinking about discontinuing my blog and getting off the internet altogether. But I’ve changed my mind. I simply need to shift gears.
As I gave myself to quiet and prayer, reflecting on the goodness and love of God, something happened. I want to write about what happened. What my Father showed me. Things he has been, and is, doing to reveal his love.
We get enough bad news. We hear too much cynicism and skepticism. So I’m making a schism with “cisms.” He’s drawing me to deeper wells. I want to write about the love that surpasses knowledge. I want to write about the journey our hearts are called to embark on. I want to write from the heart about how to go farther up and deeper in . . . to the immeasurable love of God.
I’m hoping that I won’t lose those of you who are here because of my perspective on Islam and things I’ve written in the past. Hopefully, you will find something else here for your enrichment. Something for your soul. Something that calls to the deep places of your heart. In any case, I’m not sure yet exactly how we’ll arrive, but I invite you to hang in here, as we continue on a wonderful Adventure with our Father. Because, I do know the ultimate destination.
If it’s true that “knowledge puffs up, but love builds up,” then I’m inviting a handful of readers to stick with me and see what God will be pleased to do as we dialog together about the journey we’re on.
I’m not a great writer. Nor is my content going to be the buzz online. But I do have a deep abiding relationship with Abba. And my wife and daughter tell me that I’ve shown the heart of God for them. So why not share with you some of what I’m experiencing as I plumb that deep love of God. That love that is greater than any ocean. That love that has as its goal your heart too.
Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading. I hope you’ll stay for a while longer to see if there’s anything here that your soul will be able to feed on. Perhaps we’ll mutually encourage one another’s faith.
I’m still going to try to post 2-3 times a week.
If you have a Kindle, you can subscribe to my blog for .99 a month (help keep me in gasoline) or just subscribe, by signing-up at the top right for email notices when a new post comes out.
I hope you’ll take the time to comment on this and future posts. I’ll always moderate to ensure that comments are edifying. Let’s start a discussion that can enrich us all.
Blessings,
Every once in awhile, someone is brave enough to report real, not revisionist, history. This is the REAL history of the Palestinians and Palestine (the state?).
Anyone willing to be convinced by facts anymore?
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Islamization Marcy’s Walk (my wife’s blog)
